I worry about having to do this, explain my call to ministry. I know I will have to. To the RSCC, in order to receive Candidacy. To the MFC, when I'm seeking Preliminary Fellowship. To the congregations I will serve as an intern, starting this summer, but also after I graduate. To the hospital where I complete my chaplaincy residency. And in every job interview I have.
My seminary colleagues talk about their calls in many ways. A call received in adolescence that they have followed since then. A call they've resisted for years, or thought they weren't hearing quite right. For years I've resisted the idea that I am called by God, per se. I do feel called to ministry, I do believe in God, but I'm not so sure I feel called by God. My "call" has felt more like a series of gentle nudges, which I've never really resisted, but which had to pile up before I recognized what was happening...
I initially sought out Unitarian Universalism in college, just out of curiosity about what it was. I'd heard of it, but never seen it in action. I wanted to know more, but I didn't want to participate. I wasn't religious. I scoured the internet for what I could find about faith traditions that felt accessible to me but weren't exclusively Christian, including Unitarian Universalism. Nudge.
I began attending a UU church, first in Rockville because it was closest to home and later in DC, because that's where my friends went. It felt instantly like coming home. I belonged there, I felt fulfilled there, I loved the people I met. I wanted to take every Adult RE class, wanted to sing in choir, wanted to be involved any way possible. I wasn't, though. Working for Girl Scouts occupied so much of my time that getting involved in church in all the ways I wanted was a challenge. But I went every Sunday, stayed for lunch afterwards, made friends with people I felt I connected with better than any friends I'd made in school or at work. Nudge.
My (now ex) girlfriend spent our entire relationship exploring her call to ministry and applying to seminary. I considered grad school alongside her. I was going to get my PhD in Clinical Psychology, if only I could find a program that I was truly interested in. Or maybe I would get a Masters first so that I could apply to doctoral programs with a better GPA, stronger credentials, recommendations from recent professors. Hey, maybe I'll look at MA programs in religion, those sound interesting...I could study religion for a few years and really learn a lot! Nudge.
I accompanied her on every seminary and divinity school visit she made while we were together. I was excited by the prospect of an MA in religion (though still not excited by any of the Psych programs I read about. Ahem.). I found schools I wanted to attend. We visited Union Theological Seminary and the classes we sat in on engaged me more than any I'd ever taken. I wanted to stay. Nudge.
I called the Admissions Director at Union. I told her I was thinking about applying for an MA. I told her I was interested in counseling and eventually pursuing a Clinical Psychology PhD. She told me I should consider the MDiv. Nudge.
I became a Pastoral Associate at my church. Nudge. I became the Lay Coordinator of Pastoral Care. Nudge. I took a seminary class while still working. Nudge. I admitted I was terrified of preaching, but that sometimes the things that scare me the most end up being exactly where I belong. Nudge.
I love ministry. I especially love chaplaincy. I completed my first unit of Clinical Pastoral Education last summer and I miss it every day. I loved my patients, their families, my colleagues. I even loved the long on call hours and overnights in the hospital. Helping facilitate a good death for one patient was one of the most fulfilling things I've ever done. I felt honored to participate in some of the most intimate moments of people's lives. I felt God's presence in the hospital more than I do in most other places, often including church. I am called, though a series of nudges. I don't do anything suddenly and that includes entering ministry. I wade in, testing the water, ready to flee if it's too cold. Sometimes it is; sometimes it feels like ice water and I freeze. Sometimes it feels like a warm bath. Either way, I'm glad I've stayed. I can't wait to see where it takes me.
